Your phone sits in your hand. His name is right there in your contacts. Your finger hovers over the call button. Should you press it or put the phone down?
This is one of the most common dilemmas women face in relationships and dating. Should I call him or not? The question seems simple, but the answer feels complicated.
Maybe you had a fight and you are not sure who should reach out first. Maybe you miss him and want to hear his voice. Maybe you have been waiting for him to call and you are tired of waiting. Maybe you broke up and you are wondering if calling is a mistake.
Whatever your situation, you are here because you need clarity. You need someone to help you think through this decision logically instead of emotionally.
According to research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, communication timing and initiation patterns significantly impact relationship satisfaction and outcomes. Knowing when to reach out and when to wait can make a real difference.
This guide will walk you through different scenarios and help you figure out whether calling him is the right move. By the end, you will have a clear answer based on YOUR specific situation.
Let us start by looking at what you should consider before making that call.
What to Think About Before You Call Him
Before you pick up that phone, stop and ask yourself a few important questions. These will help you make a smarter decision.
What Is Your Real Reason for Wanting to Call?
Be completely honest with yourself. Why do you want to call him right now?
Good reasons to call:
- You need to discuss something important (plans, decisions, serious matters)
- You want to apologize for something specific you did wrong
- You miss him and want to connect in a healthy relationship
- Enough time has passed after a fight and you want to resolve things
- You have something positive or meaningful to share
Bad reasons to call:
- You are feeling lonely and he is just available
- You want to check if he is thinking about you
- You are trying to control or manipulate the situation
- You want to “win” or prove a point after a fight
- You are acting on impulse or emotions without thinking
The difference matters. Calls made from healthy intentions usually go well. Calls made from desperation, anger, or manipulation usually make things worse.
What Is the Current Status of Your Relationship?
Where do you stand with him right now? The answer to “should I call him or not” depends heavily on your relationship status.
Are you in a relationship? If yes, calling your partner is usually fine and normal. Healthy relationships involve regular communication.
Are you casually dating? The early dating stage has different rules. You do not want to seem too eager or clingy, but you also do not want to play games.
Did you recently break up? If the breakup is fresh, calling might not be wise. You both might need space first.
Are you in a fight? The timing after an argument matters a lot. Sometimes calling too soon makes things worse. Sometimes waiting too long lets resentment build.
Is there distance between you? If you have been doing “no contact” or if you have not talked in a while, calling requires more thought.
Understanding where you stand helps you make the right choice.
What Time Is It?
This might seem silly, but timing matters more than you think.
Bad times to call:
- Late at night (after 10 PM) unless it is an emergency or you normally talk then
- Early morning before 9 AM
- During his work hours if you know he is busy
- When you are drunk, very emotional, or not thinking clearly
Good times to call:
- Evening after work hours
- Weekend afternoons
- Times you know he is usually free
- When you are calm and can have a productive conversation
Calling at a bad time can lead to a bad conversation, even if calling was the right decision.
Should I Call Him or Wait for Him to Call Me?
This is probably the biggest question. Who should call first? Should you wait for him to reach out?
The Truth About “The Rules”
You might have heard old dating advice that says “never call a man first” or “always let him chase you.” These are called “The Rules,” and they come from a 1995 dating book.
Here is the problem with these rules: they are based on game-playing and manipulation. Healthy relationships are built on honest communication, not tricks.
According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples, successful relationships involve “bids for connection” from both partners. Both people should reach out, initiate, and show interest.
When You Should Call Him First
You should call him first if:
You are in an established relationship and you want to talk. In a relationship, there should not be a scorecard of who called last. Both people should feel comfortable reaching out.
You were wrong in a fight. If you said something hurtful or acted badly, do not wait for him to call. Take responsibility and reach out first.
You miss him and want to connect. In a healthy relationship, expressing that you miss your partner is normal and sweet.
He has been the one initiating recently and you want to show effort. Relationships need balance. If he always calls first, it is time to show that you are equally interested.
You have something specific to discuss. If there is something practical that needs to be talked about, just call. Do not make it complicated.
When You Should Wait for Him to Call
You should wait if:
He said he needed space. If he specifically asked for time alone, respect that boundary. Let him reach out when he is ready.
You always call first and he never does. If you are the only one ever initiating contact, that is a red flag. Stop calling and see if he steps up. If he does not, you have your answer about his level of interest.
You are trying to “test” him. If your only reason for waiting is to see if he cares enough to call, that is game-playing. Do not do it.
The relationship is new and you just talked yesterday. In early dating, give things time to breathe. You do not need to talk every single day in the first few weeks.
You are extremely emotional right now. If you are crying, angry, or drunk, wait until you calm down. The call will go better when you are in a clearer headspace.
Real example: Maria used to call her boyfriend Alex every single day, sometimes multiple times. She realized he never called her first. She decided to wait and see how long it would take him. Three days passed. Then five. Then a week. On day eight, he finally called and said “I was waiting to see how long you could go without calling me.” Maria realized he was playing games and not treating the relationship seriously. She ended things.
The lesson? If someone is truly interested, they will reach out. But do not make waiting a game either. Be genuine.
Should I Call Him After a Fight?
Fights happen in every relationship. The question is: who should break the silence after an argument?
How Long Should You Wait After a Fight?
There is no perfect answer, but research gives us some guidance.
A study from the University of California found that couples who resolve conflicts within 24 hours report higher relationship satisfaction than those who let conflicts drag on for days.
But here is the balance: you also do not want to call while you are both still very angry.
The best timeline:
- Wait 2 to 4 hours if it was a small argument. This gives both of you time to calm down but does not let the issue fester.
- Wait until the next day if it was a big fight. Sleep on it. See how you feel in the morning when emotions are not so high.
- Do not wait more than 48 hours. If two full days pass without any communication, resentment builds and the problem gets harder to fix.
Should I Call Him or Not After a Fight If I Was Wrong?
If you know you were wrong, call him and apologize. Do not wait for him to call first.
Taking responsibility shows maturity and respect. It shows you value the relationship more than your pride.
How to make the call:
- Call when you are calm, not emotional
- Start with a genuine apology: “I am sorry for what I said. It was hurtful and unfair.”
- Do not make excuses: “I am sorry but you made me…” is not a real apology
- Listen to his response without getting defensive
- Ask how you can make it right
Example: “Hey, I wanted to call because I have been thinking about our fight. I was completely wrong to say those things about your family. I was angry and I took it too far. I am genuinely sorry. Can we talk about it?”
This kind of call usually goes well because you are taking ownership.
Should I Call Him After a Fight If He Was Wrong?
This is trickier. If he was clearly wrong, should you still be the one to reach out?
It depends on what you want. Do you want to be right, or do you want to resolve the issue?
Sometimes calling first does not mean you are admitting fault. It just means you care more about fixing the problem than about who calls first.
You can call and say:
- “I know we both needed space, but I do not want this to last days. Can we talk about what happened?”
- “I am still upset about what you said, but I want us to work through this. Are you ready to talk?”
This approach opens the door without saying you were wrong when you were not.
However, if he frequently starts fights and expects you to always fix things, that is a different problem. Do not fall into a pattern where he treats you badly and you always have to be the bigger person. That is not healthy.
What If He Said He Needs Space After the Fight?
If he specifically said “I need some space” or “I need time to think,” respect that.
Do not call immediately. Give him at least 24 hours, maybe 48. But if several days pass with no contact, it is okay to reach out with something like:
“I have given you space like you asked. I am ready to talk when you are. Let me know.”
This respects his boundary while also setting one of your own. You are willing to give space, but not endless silence.
Should I Call Him If I Miss Him?
Missing someone is a natural feeling. But should you call every time you miss him? Let us break this down.
If You Are in a Relationship
If you have an established, healthy relationship, yes, call him if you miss him. This is completely normal and sweet.
A simple “I was thinking about you and wanted to hear your voice” is a lovely thing in a relationship. It strengthens your bond.
According to attachment theory research by Dr. Sue Johnson, expressing needs and emotions in relationships is crucial for maintaining secure attachment. Telling your partner you miss them is healthy vulnerability.
Good ways to express it:
- “I know we just saw each other yesterday, but I was missing you. How is your day going?”
- “I heard our song and it made me think of you. Just wanted to call and say hi.”
- “I am having a tough day and hearing your voice always makes me feel better.”
These are honest and genuine expressions of affection.
If You Are Casually Dating
In early dating, calling every time you miss him might seem intense. You want to show interest without overwhelming him.
Consider these factors:
How often do you normally talk? If you talk every day, calling because you miss him is fine. If you only talk every few days, maybe send a text first instead of calling.
Who called last? If you called yesterday, maybe wait for him to reach out this time.
How long have you been dating? If it has only been a few dates, saying “I miss you” might feel too serious. If you have been dating for a couple months, it is more appropriate.
Real scenario: Emma had been on five dates with James over three weeks. She missed him one evening and almost called. Instead, she texted: “Hope you are having a good night. That restaurant we went to last week just came on my feed and made me think of you.” He responded warmly and called her the next day. The text kept things light while still expressing interest.
If You Broke Up
This is the most complicated situation. Should I call him if I miss him after we broke up?
Usually, no. Missing your ex is normal, but calling them every time you miss them will prevent you from healing.
Here is why you should not call:
- Missing them does not mean getting back together is the right choice
- You might be missing the comfort, not the actual relationship
- Calling keeps you emotionally attached and stuck
- It might give him mixed signals
- You need space to heal and gain perspective
Instead of calling:
- Write your feelings in a journal
- Call a friend instead
- Do something to distract yourself (exercise, hobby, time with friends)
- Remind yourself why the relationship ended
Exception: If you both agreed to try again and are working on the relationship, then calling to say you miss him might be appropriate. But if the breakup is still fresh or final, resist the urge.
Should I Call Him After No Contact?
The “no contact” rule is when you do not communicate with someone (usually an ex) for a set period, typically 30 to 60 days. This gives both people space to heal and gain clarity.
When No Contact Ends, Should You Call?
If you completed a no contact period, should you be the one to break the silence by calling?
First, ask yourself why you want to call:
Do you genuinely want to try again? If you have reflected, worked on yourself, and truly believe the relationship can be better, calling might make sense.
Are you just lonely? If you only want to call because you are bored or lonely, do not do it. That is not fair to either of you.
Have you actually healed? If you have not dealt with the hurt from the relationship, calling will just restart old patterns.
How to Handle the Call After No Contact
If you decide to call after no contact, keep it light at first.
Do not:
- Immediately dive into “I want you back”
- Act like nothing happened
- Be accusatory or bring up old fights
- Put pressure on him
Do:
- Keep it casual: “Hey, I have been doing some thinking and wanted to reach out. How have you been?”
- Be honest about your intentions: “I have had time to reflect on what happened between us. I would love to talk if you are open to it.”
- Listen to his response without pushing
Important note: Do not call after no contact if the relationship was toxic or abusive. In those cases, no contact should be permanent for your safety and wellbeing.
Should I Call Him After a Breakup?
Breakups are painful. The urge to call your ex can be overwhelming. But should you?
In the First Week After a Breakup
No, you should not call in the first week unless there is a practical matter that must be handled immediately (shared apartment, returning belongings, etc.).
Here is why:
- Emotions are too high
- Nothing has changed yet, so the same problems exist
- You might say things you will regret
- You need space to start processing the loss
What to do instead:
- Lean on friends and family
- Write down your feelings instead of calling him
- Remove temptation by deleting his number or having a friend hold your phone
- Practice self-care
After Some Time Has Passed
If weeks or months have passed, calling might be appropriate in certain situations:
You should call if:
- You genuinely want closure and think a conversation will help
- You need to return belongings or handle practical matters
- You have both expressed interest in trying again
- You want to apologize for how you acted during or after the breakup
You should not call if:
- You are hoping to manipulate him into coming back
- You want to check if he misses you
- You are dating someone new and just want him to know
- You are seeking validation
Relationship expert Matthew Hussey says: “Do not use contact as a way to manage your emotions. Use it only when you have something genuinely valuable to say.”
What If He Calls You After the Breakup?
If he calls you, you do not have to answer. It is okay to let it go to voicemail if you are not ready.
If you do answer, keep it brief unless you are genuinely interested in having a deeper conversation. You are not obligated to comfort him or be his friend if you are still healing.
Signs You Should NOT Call Him Right Now
Sometimes the answer to “should I call him or not” is absolutely not. Here are clear signs you should put the phone down.
You Are Drunk or Very Emotional
Nothing good comes from drunk dialing or calling in the middle of a crying session. Wait until you are sober and calm.
A study in the journal Addictive Behaviors found that people make significantly worse interpersonal decisions when under the influence of alcohol.
You Want to “Check” on Him
If your real reason for calling is to see what he is doing, who he is with, or if he is thinking about you, do not call. This is insecurity talking, not genuine connection.
He Has Asked You Not to Contact Him
If he has set a clear boundary and asked for no contact, respect it. Calling anyway violates his boundary and makes you look desperate.
You Are Trying to “Win” a Fight
If you want to call just to prove you were right or to get the last word, do not do it. This will only make the conflict worse.
He Consistently Does Not Answer or Return Your Calls
If you have called multiple times and he never answers or calls back, stop calling. His lack of response IS a response. It is telling you he does not want to talk.
Continuing to call after being ignored is not persistence, it is harassment.
You Just Want to Feel in Control
If you are calling to assert control over the situation or to interrupt his space, that is manipulation. Real relationships are not about control.
What to Say When You Do Call Him
If you have decided that yes, you should call him, here is how to handle the actual conversation.
Start Simple and Genuine
Do not overthink your opening. Keep it natural.
Good openings:
- “Hey, I wanted to hear your voice. How are you?”
- “Hi, I know it has been a while. I was thinking about you and wanted to reach out.”
- “Hey, do you have a few minutes to talk?”
Get to the Point
After brief pleasantries, say why you called. Do not make him guess.
Examples:
- “I called because I wanted to apologize for what I said during our fight.”
- “I wanted to check in about our plans for this weekend.”
- “I have been thinking about us and I wanted to talk about where we stand.”
Listen More Than You Talk
Calling is not just about saying what you want to say. It is also about hearing his perspective.
Ask questions. Listen to his answers. Do not interrupt. Give him space to express himself.
End Well
Do not let the call drag on awkwardly. Have a clear ending.
Good endings:
- “I am glad we talked. Let us talk more this weekend.”
- “Thanks for hearing me out. I feel better about things now.”
- “I will let you go. Talk soon?”
Final Thoughts on Whether You Should Call Him or Not
So, should I call him or not? By now, you should have a clearer answer based on your specific situation.
Here is what I want you to remember:
Call him if:
- You have a legitimate reason that is not based on desperation or manipulation
- You are in a calm emotional state
- Enough time has passed after a conflict for both of you to cool down
- You are in an established relationship and simply want to connect
- You need to take responsibility for something you did wrong
Do not call him if:
- You are acting on impulse or extreme emotion
- He has asked for space and you have not given enough time
- You are trying to control, manipulate, or “check” on him
- You always call first and he never reciprocates
- You just want validation or attention
Remember: In healthy relationships, both people should feel comfortable reaching out. If you constantly have to wonder whether you should call, that might be a sign the relationship dynamic is not balanced.
Your gut usually knows the answer. If you have to ask ten friends whether you should call, you probably already know you should not.
Trust yourself. Make the choice that respects both your needs and his boundaries. And whatever you decide, do not play games. Be genuine, be honest, and be kind to yourself.
Should I call him after no contact? Should I call him after break up? Should I call him or wait for him to call me? All of these questions have the same core answer: do what serves your wellbeing and the health of the relationship (or potential relationship).
As relationship therapist Esther Perel says: “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” Make choices that build quality connections, not anxiety-filled guessing games.
If the relationship is right, a phone call will not ruin it. If the relationship is not right, a phone call will not save it. So stop overthinking and trust your judgment.
And if you do call? Be yourself. Be honest. Be respectful. That is all anyone can ask.
